his fingers trace the most intimate parts of her body.
the parts that hold and express all of the feeling and emotion contained behind her mask.
from forehead, to eyebrows, nose, cheek, softly across her lips, down her neck, across her shoulder, straight down her arm to her hand. he holds it with meaning.
his fingers give her goosebumps.
chills that feel like leaves restlessly blowing in the bitter wind of autumn.
chills that turn into the warmth of the spring sun shining its light onto an untouched field of blossoming flowers.
with her heart like fireworks in the summer, her body quivers under the touch of his hands.
11.27.2008
gobble gobble!
merry turkey/tofurkey day!
today is the day to be with family and loved ones while really enjoying the incredible and simple things in life. i know that sounds completely cliche, but today has always been the day that i look forward to throughout the year.
i FINALLY was able to meet my little brother's best friend's whole family. it was fantastic. they are such great people. he is so fortunate to have them as his second family.
i ate too much, indulged in some spiked egg nogg, now i am looking out the window watching the snow fall, which would be the perfect ending to a wonderful day however i must venture out into the storm to drive home. i am not too excited about that.
all in all, it was quite the thanksgiving.
i am so grateful for the life i lead. perfect is boring. the chaos, loudness, and adventure suites me much better than "normal."
i have heard this saying many times before but i seemed to really feel it today...
"live in love"
truly.
today is the day to be with family and loved ones while really enjoying the incredible and simple things in life. i know that sounds completely cliche, but today has always been the day that i look forward to throughout the year.
i FINALLY was able to meet my little brother's best friend's whole family. it was fantastic. they are such great people. he is so fortunate to have them as his second family.
i ate too much, indulged in some spiked egg nogg, now i am looking out the window watching the snow fall, which would be the perfect ending to a wonderful day however i must venture out into the storm to drive home. i am not too excited about that.
all in all, it was quite the thanksgiving.
i am so grateful for the life i lead. perfect is boring. the chaos, loudness, and adventure suites me much better than "normal."
i have heard this saying many times before but i seemed to really feel it today...
"live in love"
truly.
11.23.2008
chills.
i don't care what anyone says.
his voice will always give me chills.
and, "smother me" is the song i cannot stop listening to at the moment.
his voice will always give me chills.
and, "smother me" is the song i cannot stop listening to at the moment.
"let me be the one who calls you baby
all the time
surely you can take some comfort
knowing that you're mine
just hold me tight, lay by my side and let me be the one who calls you
baby all the time
i found my place in the world
could stare at your face for the rest of my days
now i can breathe, turn my insides out and smother me
warm and alive i'm all over you would you smother me?
let me be the one who never leaves
you all alone
i hold my breath and lose the feeling
that i'm on my own
hold me too tight stay by my side and let me be the one who calls you
baby all the time
i found my place in the world
could stare at your face for the rest of my days
now i can breathe, turn my insides out and smother me
warm and alive i'm all over you would you smother me?"
picture perfect.
i need a polaroid camera.
like right now!
it is officially on my christmas list.
unless i get caught up in a whim and get one tomorrow!
febuary 19 2005
my sympathetic hand caresses the side of your smooth cheek.
your deep eyes burn through mine as i try to read your mind
in the way i once could before.
but, i come up empty handed. lacking even a single thought.
my fingers slowly stroke through your dark, rich hair as i attempt to feel what you are feeling
like i once could before.
but, i come up empty handed. lacking a single feeling.
i wipe away the solitary tear running down your face as i attempt to solve any and all of your problems
like i once could before.
but, i come up empty handed. without the ability to offer comfort or joy.
being empty handed.
so helpless, so eager to break free of emotions.
your deep eyes burn through mine as i try to read your mind
in the way i once could before.
but, i come up empty handed. lacking even a single thought.
my fingers slowly stroke through your dark, rich hair as i attempt to feel what you are feeling
like i once could before.
but, i come up empty handed. lacking a single feeling.
i wipe away the solitary tear running down your face as i attempt to solve any and all of your problems
like i once could before.
but, i come up empty handed. without the ability to offer comfort or joy.
being empty handed.
so helpless, so eager to break free of emotions.
march 15 2006
tonight, i had the ultimate epiphany. while indulging in my life's addiction under a leafless tree and full moon i knew, i have been living my entire life (literally entire) for other people.
when will i be able to start living my own life for myself?
[reading this over 2 years later, i still have yet to accomplish this feat.]
when will i be able to start living my own life for myself?
[reading this over 2 years later, i still have yet to accomplish this feat.]
july 30 2005
the journey seemed endless, and the anticipation was building on top of me like a ton of bricks. the flashbacks were terribly overwhelming, i almost could no longer bear it, but when i closed my eyes they only became more vivid. my heart was telling me this would be the little piece of closure, what i need to move on with attempting to live my life "normally."
when i arrived only to see acres and acres of headstones with people's loved ones underneath, i knew this was not where you would want to remain forever. i searched for what seemed like hours for you, going off of plot numbers. to think of you as some numbered hole in the ground tore me apart inside. i found you, well i think that i did. you are still a number in the ground right now with nothing around you, not even a single flower. i cannot say i am surprised, even though i would have liked to think they would attempt to keep your "area" as full of life as you were.
i left you our flower. i was clearly the first to have left anything in the obscurely placed container.
i sat and talked for a bit, realizing that what i thought would be my little piece of closure only left me longing to hear the sound of your voice talking back to me.
a sunflower from your marisol.
when i arrived only to see acres and acres of headstones with people's loved ones underneath, i knew this was not where you would want to remain forever. i searched for what seemed like hours for you, going off of plot numbers. to think of you as some numbered hole in the ground tore me apart inside. i found you, well i think that i did. you are still a number in the ground right now with nothing around you, not even a single flower. i cannot say i am surprised, even though i would have liked to think they would attempt to keep your "area" as full of life as you were.
i left you our flower. i was clearly the first to have left anything in the obscurely placed container.
i sat and talked for a bit, realizing that what i thought would be my little piece of closure only left me longing to hear the sound of your voice talking back to me.
a sunflower from your marisol.
oh, you handsome boy.
robert pattinson, i am highly disappointed in you.
you did not do the nearly perfect edward cullen any justice.
i am afraid to say.
it would have been an absolutely fantastic movie...had i not become infatuated with the book first.
one thumb up, one big thumb down.
but, i do suppose that is the beautiful thing about reading; you get to paint this wonderful, breath-taking image in your mind. an image which can not often be painted so beautifully in reality.
you did not do the nearly perfect edward cullen any justice.
i am afraid to say.
it would have been an absolutely fantastic movie...had i not become infatuated with the book first.
one thumb up, one big thumb down.
but, i do suppose that is the beautiful thing about reading; you get to paint this wonderful, breath-taking image in your mind. an image which can not often be painted so beautifully in reality.
11.18.2008
twilight.
yes, i have fallen victim to this craze.
and i absolutely love it.
i think i will nerd it out and go to a midnight showing of the movie adaptation.
where is my edward?
long lost.
i have missed my long lost bestie a ton.
we are back now, and i could not be any happier.
he brings the wit and laughter to my life!
example...
sabrina: maybe i should just buy a husband.
seth: haha well that's an option, i've thought about marrying to get someone their green card before too. and in that case they usually pay YOU!
sabrina: but the mail order ones have to listen to you and put up with your crap!
seth: hahaha true. have you ever considered though that maybe you don't want the commitment right now and that's why you're unconsciously sabotaging these attempts at stability? because on some level you know they aren't right for you?
sabrina: maybe. or i'm just bat-shit crazy.
also, "man-child hobbit" is the quote of the evening!
11.17.2008
excuse me, you're breaking up.
question: how do two people who are not even together break up?
answer: i have absolutely no idea. but, apparently it is possible. at least, it feels like it was possible.
question: why is it that i don't do relationships?
answer: for the reason above. breaking up. there are many more reasons as to why i don't date, but the break up must be one of the main factors. everything does end. if it never starts, it can never end.
it got a little too real this time.
no, it got a lot too real this time.
good thing it is now over.
11.16.2008
a million.
a million tiny little pieces: this is the condition your phone better be in. i think that is the only explanation i would listen to at this point in time.
i have personally found that it is far more difficult and vastly more emotionally draining to take the time and effort to ignore another individual than it is to actually talk to and respond to them like normal human beings do.
self-sabotage is my specialty.
i do turn it into an art. a very interesting, entertaining, crazy art.
i am slightly impressed by it, honestly.
not many people can turn it off and on like that.
i have personally found that it is far more difficult and vastly more emotionally draining to take the time and effort to ignore another individual than it is to actually talk to and respond to them like normal human beings do.
self-sabotage is my specialty.
i do turn it into an art. a very interesting, entertaining, crazy art.
i am slightly impressed by it, honestly.
not many people can turn it off and on like that.
11.13.2008
last call
with carson daly.
watch it tonight!!!!!!!!
the amazingly entertaining 3OH!3 will be performing!
please support these incredibly lovely boys.
:)
lay it out.
frankly, i am wired differently. i am wired to bore easily.
with this being said, i will bore of you. i will get tired of you.
it simply comes down to the matter of how much time you are willing to and want to spend with me during the, most likely, short period of time in which you still amuse me.
truth be told.
although, i have been coming across those who never cease to amaze and amuse me, in an extremely positive way.
i must admit, i have really been enjoying this change of pace!
ceiling fans.
i find myself staring at my ceiling fan on a nightly basis. i do believe the anxiety i once unwillingly possessed has now returned. i am once again the owner of a brain that refuses to cease thought and only thinks of things at random, out of place, and completely unreasonable.
someone very near and dear to me has recently gone through an extreme betrayal and violation of space, respect, trust and decency. if these feelings are not terrible enough in of themselves, it is believed that this betrayal and violation was committed by someone close to and known by this person.
so, this leads me to my "unreasonable" thought of this evening...
do we ever really know people? really know people? like every little thing they are possibly capable of?
yes, i am being quite the pessimistic cynic, but i cannot help but think this way at the moment.
current situations of others combined with the very unnerving feeling in the pit of my own stomach about a situation i feel may be happening leads me to the conclusion; people are capable of just about anything. we honestly and truly are.
it scares me right down to the core that more often than not during our lifetimes, we do tend to let at least a few individuals into our lives who will in fact KNOWINGLY betray us and hurt us.
and you really, truly, honestly are only as good as the company you keep!
curiosity.
i have recently realized that i have been missing authenticity in my life and have since then developed an adoration for things such as polaroid cameras, vinyl records, cassette tapes, and art.
mainly art.
a friend was kind enough to make a couple of suggestions concerning artists of whom i should take a look at. i must say, i am greatly appreciative!
11.12.2008
set standards.
i feel that we all reach a point in our lives where we know what we want. i, for one, am honestly not there yet.
however, i know that i have been through situations which have made me able to pin point a few (ok, maybe more than a few) aspects that i would like, and would like not to see in others.
specifically others interested in my heart.
please, no BSAL's!
you like to make me smile.
you bring out all of my crazy little quirks.
you know you own either a sidekick, iphone, or blackberry. use it.
family values are a must.
you will know how to communicate. i am no longer 5, the cold shoulder has no sort of effect on me that could possibly end with a positive outcome.
you understand my habit of talking nonsense in circles.
my nonsense makes sense to you.
when fetching me from the airport, you will go in and meet me. no drive-bys.
you make the time because you enjoy to and want to.
you will meet me halfway when needed.
you will roll in the leaves with me.
you will own your shortcomings and call me out on mine.
you will want to break down walls.
you will want to teach.
you will want to learn.
your love for life and the simple things will be contagious.
laughter is essential. as is, wit and aspiration.
being humbly confident is overwhelmingly attractive.
you are capable of interacting socially and enjoy being around others in public.
mellow yet entertaining nights in are your specialty.
at the end of the day, we will just stop and breathe...together.
august 27 2008
sitting with my thoughts.
in the midst of the obscurely placed boxes, bags, and furniture lies the essence of my life, in the material sense that is. and while slowly picking through all of the randomly placed items which once defined me i saw a flicker of hope, a flicker of hope in the form of a little red book. a book that has not been opened, read, or written in for months. my journal. it is absolutely mind-boggling to me how much my brain is able to forget...situations, feelings, emotions, memories and people.
having the chance to reflect back on those things, i have remarkably forgotten, i realize, i am different.
self-growth and reflection are often things difficult to notice and observe.
i need to pick up a pen and paper far more often than i do.
i need to take the time out of the day to sit with myself and my thoughts.
it is healthy.
i want to be able to read about and remember the times my mind is able to so easily forget.
in the midst of the obscurely placed boxes, bags, and furniture lies the essence of my life, in the material sense that is. and while slowly picking through all of the randomly placed items which once defined me i saw a flicker of hope, a flicker of hope in the form of a little red book. a book that has not been opened, read, or written in for months. my journal. it is absolutely mind-boggling to me how much my brain is able to forget...situations, feelings, emotions, memories and people.
having the chance to reflect back on those things, i have remarkably forgotten, i realize, i am different.
self-growth and reflection are often things difficult to notice and observe.
i need to pick up a pen and paper far more often than i do.
i need to take the time out of the day to sit with myself and my thoughts.
it is healthy.
i want to be able to read about and remember the times my mind is able to so easily forget.
january 11 2008
live life. love life
I woke up on the first day of the brand new year feeling like a brand new lady. There was a difference in my physical state (I could feel it in my heart and bones), a slight skip in my step, and most importantly, an extremely motivated and driven, yet ultimately light-hearted spirit taking complete and utter control of my emotional being. I have greeted each and every day since then with this same state of mind and skip in my step. I have yet to figure out why it took the concept of a "new year" to bring out all of this absolutely wonderful positivity in my life, but frankly, does it even matter how it all came about?
it is going to be quite a year. I am ready for the ride.
positivity. motivation. light-heartedness. love. surrounded by amazing things and even more amazing people. determination. goals. hopes. dreams. making it all happen. opportunities. healthy. happy. fit. responsibility. always growing up. forever a kid. constantly learning. teaching through actions. life changes. 'me' time. making time for those i hold dear to my heart. new people. breaking down the notorious brick wall. less worrying. enjoying the little things. movie moments. picture taking. seperating from reality by enjoying a good book. travels. eye-opening experiences. taking time to breathe. less whiskey. more red wine. snow angels in winter, frolicking in a field of flowers in spring, water balloon fights in summer, leaf rolling in fall. new beginnings.
I woke up on the first day of the brand new year feeling like a brand new lady. There was a difference in my physical state (I could feel it in my heart and bones), a slight skip in my step, and most importantly, an extremely motivated and driven, yet ultimately light-hearted spirit taking complete and utter control of my emotional being. I have greeted each and every day since then with this same state of mind and skip in my step. I have yet to figure out why it took the concept of a "new year" to bring out all of this absolutely wonderful positivity in my life, but frankly, does it even matter how it all came about?
it is going to be quite a year. I am ready for the ride.
positivity. motivation. light-heartedness. love. surrounded by amazing things and even more amazing people. determination. goals. hopes. dreams. making it all happen. opportunities. healthy. happy. fit. responsibility. always growing up. forever a kid. constantly learning. teaching through actions. life changes. 'me' time. making time for those i hold dear to my heart. new people. breaking down the notorious brick wall. less worrying. enjoying the little things. movie moments. picture taking. seperating from reality by enjoying a good book. travels. eye-opening experiences. taking time to breathe. less whiskey. more red wine. snow angels in winter, frolicking in a field of flowers in spring, water balloon fights in summer, leaf rolling in fall. new beginnings.
the first is always the most difficult.
boredom.
a feeling that has been coming over me quite profoundly recently. i have also been feeling the desire to be creative...correction, i have been feeling envious of individuals who do possess creativity. however, regardless if i see it or if others see it as creative, writing has always been something that put a soul at ease...slightly.
so here, i have joined the blogging world!
some things will be "frivolous" entries simply written from boredom or written from the hope of remembering simple daily activities. and some things will most likely come from deep inside.
i am intrigued by this concept.
and excited!
welcome!
a feeling that has been coming over me quite profoundly recently. i have also been feeling the desire to be creative...correction, i have been feeling envious of individuals who do possess creativity. however, regardless if i see it or if others see it as creative, writing has always been something that put a soul at ease...slightly.
so here, i have joined the blogging world!
some things will be "frivolous" entries simply written from boredom or written from the hope of remembering simple daily activities. and some things will most likely come from deep inside.
i am intrigued by this concept.
and excited!
welcome!
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